I have been faced daily the past few months with guilt... As a mom of children who suffer from allergies, I look at the things I have done and allowed to be done to my children in the past such as vaccinations, cortisone creams, etc... I feel so much guilt. I have an afternoon I just feel like baking and letting the kids entertain themselves, I feel guilt. I go out for an evening and leave my hubby and kids at home, I feel guilt. I go to work and do what I know with all my heart I am meant to be doing, I feel guilt. As I sit here typing this blog, thinking about the paperwork I need to get caught up on and I feel more guilt as I could just be home playing with my kids. When does it end? The more guilt I feel the less I feel WORTHY of doing the things I truly want to do. This is a vicious cycle.
I have just spent some time reading on a discussion board about mom’s guilt in dealing with children with allergies.... OW I AM THERE! Rationally I know that this is not mine to hold that I deserve to take care of me as well. I know that I am doing the best I know how to do. I rationally know that we have done everything we know how to do to get our son back to pure health, but I always feel like we could be doing more.
I started up Modish Monkeys to help other parents in their daily struggles with their children and food related illnesses, to bring them sources of support, information, and resources. The other reason I think I started it was to find forgiveness in myself for my guilt in helping others through our journey. My son has inspired so much in me, but every time he experiences another flare-up or new health issue I am knocked back down and feel like I need to find my strength in walking along side all of you! We have all dealt with these feelings, I should have known, I should have trusted my gut, I should have questioned, why didn’t I try that... Why did I try that? Why does my child have to go through this?
My grandma told me of her worst guilt in life, with tears streaming down her face she told me that she still hasn’t forgiven herself. My uncle was 2 ½ years old and had been experiencing what seemed like a never ending cold which was later explained as asthma triggered by food allergies. His breathing got so laboured that she ended up taking him to the hospital where they put him in isolation in an oxygen tent and she was asked to leave when visiting hours were over. She told me that she had never experienced pain as that day when she had to walk down the hallway at the U of A toward the elevator by herself listening to her child scream in fear for his mommy! She was also asked not to come back to visit as it upset him so much that they couldn’t settle him back down. Every time she tells me this story you can almost see her go through that pain again as though it was yesterday.
Why as mothers do we carry these painful times and not forgive ourselves, most of the situations we feel guilty for were uncontrollable. My son had an asthma like attack during a major skin flare up this spring, my mom had been babysitting and told me he sounded a little wheezy (he had had a bad chest cold the week before). When he woke up from his nap I listened to his chest and thought yeah that is getting pretty bad, I told my husband I would take him in when he got home from work in 4 hours, why did I hesitate. I changed my mind about 15 minutes later and took him in to the ER, low and behold his right lung had shut down by 90%.... and I was going to wait another 4 hours to take him to get it checked out.
Sometimes as mothers we do questionable (to us) things, sometimes we hover and are over protective and over reactive about our children’s health, daily occurrences, life in general, but we love like no other can love! We give like no other can give, we trust our guts, we put our children before us, and our whole world revolves around these precious gifts. How do you find the balance of the guilt with Self worth and forgiveness! As mothers we are AMAZING at forgiving our children, Amazing! Why can’t we forgive ourselves... why do we feel guilty for putting ourselves first once in a while? Our children need us to be healthy, happy, balanced, loved by self and others, we need to escape from the intense emotions we feel be it happiness, relief, anger, frustration, etc. Most of all, our children need to see us forgiving ourselves in order for them to learn forgiveness as well. We as parents are the greatest teachers of our children and set the stage for patterns to be repeated generation after generation.
We seem to be caught in a generational battle between the guilt of being a stay at home mom, a working mom, being completely selfless, and being selfish, it feels as though we are caught between the power struggle of our grandparents in the 50’s and the mom’s from the 70’s 80’s and 90’s (feminist movements). We seem to be carrying the guilt of our mothers and grandmothers and wanting to find the balance of self worth and loving yourself in order to be the well rounded mother of NOW. We as parents today face new pressures with the distraction of technology, catastrophic rates of childhood epidemics, the pressures of just keeping up, the information overload regarding our modern lifestyle, financial stress, marital stress, and trying to make our world the best it can be for our children and maintaining a sense of self and family.
Today, I truly hope you can take a moment and feel your guilt... ALL OF IT! Cry, scream, and be with it. Process it, release it, and truly find forgiveness in knowing we all make mistakes, everything happens for a reason, learn from it and just know “it is what it is”. Release the guilt and move on. Take some time for your self and cherish you for the warrior that you are, cherish your intuition and know that you have everything you need to be the mother you were meant to be. And be okay with having days were things don’t go as planned, accept the moments you wish you could take back and genuinely cherish the love that is most important... the love of a mother and child!
I am going to make jar tonight and write down everything I have not forgiven myself for on individual pieces of paper and start to learn to truly forgive myself for them... I am going to keep that jar as a reminder of who I TRULY am and all that I have conquered, for that jar is the story of me; another chapter closed in my life!
I have just spent some time reading on a discussion board about mom’s guilt in dealing with children with allergies.... OW I AM THERE! Rationally I know that this is not mine to hold that I deserve to take care of me as well. I know that I am doing the best I know how to do. I rationally know that we have done everything we know how to do to get our son back to pure health, but I always feel like we could be doing more.
I started up Modish Monkeys to help other parents in their daily struggles with their children and food related illnesses, to bring them sources of support, information, and resources. The other reason I think I started it was to find forgiveness in myself for my guilt in helping others through our journey. My son has inspired so much in me, but every time he experiences another flare-up or new health issue I am knocked back down and feel like I need to find my strength in walking along side all of you! We have all dealt with these feelings, I should have known, I should have trusted my gut, I should have questioned, why didn’t I try that... Why did I try that? Why does my child have to go through this?
My grandma told me of her worst guilt in life, with tears streaming down her face she told me that she still hasn’t forgiven herself. My uncle was 2 ½ years old and had been experiencing what seemed like a never ending cold which was later explained as asthma triggered by food allergies. His breathing got so laboured that she ended up taking him to the hospital where they put him in isolation in an oxygen tent and she was asked to leave when visiting hours were over. She told me that she had never experienced pain as that day when she had to walk down the hallway at the U of A toward the elevator by herself listening to her child scream in fear for his mommy! She was also asked not to come back to visit as it upset him so much that they couldn’t settle him back down. Every time she tells me this story you can almost see her go through that pain again as though it was yesterday.
Why as mothers do we carry these painful times and not forgive ourselves, most of the situations we feel guilty for were uncontrollable. My son had an asthma like attack during a major skin flare up this spring, my mom had been babysitting and told me he sounded a little wheezy (he had had a bad chest cold the week before). When he woke up from his nap I listened to his chest and thought yeah that is getting pretty bad, I told my husband I would take him in when he got home from work in 4 hours, why did I hesitate. I changed my mind about 15 minutes later and took him in to the ER, low and behold his right lung had shut down by 90%.... and I was going to wait another 4 hours to take him to get it checked out.
Sometimes as mothers we do questionable (to us) things, sometimes we hover and are over protective and over reactive about our children’s health, daily occurrences, life in general, but we love like no other can love! We give like no other can give, we trust our guts, we put our children before us, and our whole world revolves around these precious gifts. How do you find the balance of the guilt with Self worth and forgiveness! As mothers we are AMAZING at forgiving our children, Amazing! Why can’t we forgive ourselves... why do we feel guilty for putting ourselves first once in a while? Our children need us to be healthy, happy, balanced, loved by self and others, we need to escape from the intense emotions we feel be it happiness, relief, anger, frustration, etc. Most of all, our children need to see us forgiving ourselves in order for them to learn forgiveness as well. We as parents are the greatest teachers of our children and set the stage for patterns to be repeated generation after generation.
We seem to be caught in a generational battle between the guilt of being a stay at home mom, a working mom, being completely selfless, and being selfish, it feels as though we are caught between the power struggle of our grandparents in the 50’s and the mom’s from the 70’s 80’s and 90’s (feminist movements). We seem to be carrying the guilt of our mothers and grandmothers and wanting to find the balance of self worth and loving yourself in order to be the well rounded mother of NOW. We as parents today face new pressures with the distraction of technology, catastrophic rates of childhood epidemics, the pressures of just keeping up, the information overload regarding our modern lifestyle, financial stress, marital stress, and trying to make our world the best it can be for our children and maintaining a sense of self and family.
Today, I truly hope you can take a moment and feel your guilt... ALL OF IT! Cry, scream, and be with it. Process it, release it, and truly find forgiveness in knowing we all make mistakes, everything happens for a reason, learn from it and just know “it is what it is”. Release the guilt and move on. Take some time for your self and cherish you for the warrior that you are, cherish your intuition and know that you have everything you need to be the mother you were meant to be. And be okay with having days were things don’t go as planned, accept the moments you wish you could take back and genuinely cherish the love that is most important... the love of a mother and child!
I am going to make jar tonight and write down everything I have not forgiven myself for on individual pieces of paper and start to learn to truly forgive myself for them... I am going to keep that jar as a reminder of who I TRULY am and all that I have conquered, for that jar is the story of me; another chapter closed in my life!
Education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within the hearing of little children tends towards the formation of character.
-- Hosea Ballou
-- Hosea Ballou
The greatest thing she'd learned over the years is that there's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.
-- Author Unknown
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